1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of
your Kleenex to other passengers
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering: 'Shut up, all of you just shut UP!
4. Whistle the first ten notes of 'It's a Small World'
incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural
frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while
peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?'
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the
elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing
the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to
yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they
open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper:
'Noogie patrol coming!'
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm
handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and
demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you
dropped down the shaft go 'plink' at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while,
and then announce: 'I've got new socks on!'
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the
back: 'Oh, not now, motion sickness!'
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in
your nose.
22. Frown and mutter 'gotta go, gotta go' then sigh
and say'oops!'
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks
infected.
24. Sing 'Mary had a little lamb' while continually
pushing buttons.
25. Holler 'Chutes away!' whenever the elevator
descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says 'human head' on
the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then
announce 'You're one of THEM!' and move to the far
corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say 'mmmm...tasty!'
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the
button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other
passengers 'through' it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask
'is that your beeper?'
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say 'Ding!' at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red
buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and
announce to the other passengers that this is your
'personal space.'
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another
passenger: 'Wanna see wha in muh mouf?'
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: 'I must find a more
suitable host body.'
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a
button.
48. Wear 'X-Ray Specs' and leer suggestively at other
passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say 'I think it's getting
larger.'
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler
'Bad Touch!
Friday, January 25, 2008
50 Things To Do In An Elevator
English is a messed up language
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French
fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which
aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and
a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is
teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese.
So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one
amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single
annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all
but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a
letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed
to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people
recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send
cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on
driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can
the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when
they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a
strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled,
ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring
chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which
your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a
form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by
going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects
the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race
at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I
wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I
end it
-Scavenger
Conversational insults
Any similarity between you and a human is purely
coincidental!
Are you always so stupid or is today a special
occasion?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I
improve your looks?
At least there'e one thing good about your body.It
isn't as ugly as your face!
Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case
they're nothing
Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like
you.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to
spreading ignorance?
Keep talking, someday you'll say something
intelligent!
Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing
from them.
He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to
wind it up this morning.
He has a mind like a steel trap -- always closed!
He is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny,
it's a miracle!
He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?
He is living proof that man can live without a
brain!
He is so short, when it rains he is always the
last one to know.
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a
blueprint to build an idiot.
How come you're here? I thought the zoo is closed
at night!
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage
open?
How much refund do you expect on your head now
that it's empty.
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
I can't talk to you right now; tell me,where will
you be in the next 10 years?
I don't want you to turn the other cheek; it's
just as ugly.
I don't know who you are, but whatever you are,
I'm sure everyone will agree with me.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it
really works.
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I
take all the credit?
I can't seem to remember your name, and please
don't help me!
I don't even like the people you're trying to
imitate, if you are at all.
I know you were born silly, but why did you have a
relapse?
I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody
could be!
I've seen people like you, but I had to pay
admission!
THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 Beer
25 Beer
35 Vodka
48 Double vodka
66 Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT
17 Sex
25 Sex
35 Sex
48 Sex
66 Napping
DRUG
17 Pot
25 Coke
35 Really good coke
48 Power
66 Coke, a limousine, the company jet
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Tongue"
25 "Breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her ! kids."
66 "Got home alive."
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 Getting to third
25 Airplane sex
35 Menage a trois
48 Taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET
17 Roaches
25 Stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 Children from his first marriage
66 Barbi
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 - 25
25 - 35
35 - 48
48 - 66
66 - 17
IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
4! 8 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois col or my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17 Shopping
25 Shopping
35 Shopping
48 Shopping
66 Shopping
DRUG
17 Shopping
25 Shopping
35 Shopping
48 Shopping
66 Shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 Tall, dark and handsome
25 Tall, dark and handsome with money
35 Tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 A man with hair
66 A man
HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66
IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the nex! t morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast
Thursday, January 24, 2008
When insults had a class..
A friend of mine sent this to me. Really nasty but extremely subtle and profoundly rewarding ..especially for cynics!!
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
– Winston Churchill
– Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
– Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
– William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
– Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
– Moses Hadas
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
– Abraham Lincoln
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
– Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
– Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend… if you have one.”
– George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second…if there is one.”
– Winston Churchill, in response
“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
– Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
– John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
– Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
– Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
– Paul Keating
“He had delusions of adequacy.”
– Walter Kerr
“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”
– Jack E. Leonard
“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”
– Thomas Brackett Reed
“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”
– James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
– Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
– Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
– Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
– Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.”
– Andrew Lang
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
– Billy Wilder
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Selected on 19.01.2008
My Favorite Word
A cute site with list of favs from different people. A source for knowledge and quench for curious...
Intellectual Conservative Politics and Philosophy
An interesting site packed with loads of conservative and libertarian viewpoints.. Cheers Arizona!
Trolley Problem
The trolley problem is a thought experiment in ethics, first introduced by Philippa Foot. A classical example of these problems became known as "the plank of Carneades", designed by Carneades to attack Stoic moral theories as inconsistent.
Fairy Tales Collection
A new website - some of it is still under construction - featuring many famous fairy-tale writers and poets and their work...!
The Nietzsche Family Circus
The Nietzsche Family Circus pairs a randomized Family Circus cartoon with a randomized Friedrich Nietzsche quote. Cool!!
Pangloss Wisdom
This is an amazing generator of...."wisdom" quotes, insults (based on Shakespearean language) and other stuff.. Try it out when lazy, idle or simply curious.
Credit, Debt, Life, and Steve
Entrepreneur Blog of Sniplets of Stuff to Make Your Busy Day Fun, Informative and Never Boring. Some nice stuff on it!
Zuza Fun> Surreal pictures
For lovers of surrealism or simply to spawn imagination ..
Sam's Mailbox Pictures
Imagination and creativity have no boundaries...especially when it comes to designing a mailbox..
Google Sightseeing
He he... As it says, "Discover the world via Google maps and Google Earth."
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Selected on 10.01.2008
The unknown image of images
A Girl's Guide to Geek Guys
Most famous men of human history .. all in one photo
Battle of Kruger.. buffaloes versus lions, a real battle accidentally filmed
This spectacular battle that slowly unfolds in front of our eyes shows how wild, passionate and unpredictable the nature and its creature are. More than 23 million views on Facebook..
Seven craziest conspiracy theories
Featuring Bush, King, aliens, MS Word, NASA and others..
Critical Thinking On The Web
...critical thinking is the skillful application of a repertoire of validated general techniques for deciding the level of confidence you should have in a proposition in the light of the available evidence.
Impeach Bush and Cheney
"As we enter the eighth year of the Bush-Cheney administration, I have painfully concluded that the only honorable course for me is to urge the impeachment of the president and the vice president."
