Monday, August 18, 2008

50 Things Professors Can Do on the First Week of Class

1. Address students as “worm”.

2. After confirming everyone’s names on the roll, thank the class for attending “Advanced Astrodynamics 690″ and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream “MY PACEMAKER!”

4. Announce “you’ll need this”, and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

5. Announce that last year’s students have almost finished their class projects.

6. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

7. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

8. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

9. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

10. Ask occasional questions, but mutter “as if you gibbering simps would know” and move on before anyone can answer.

11. Ask students to call you “Tinkerbell” or “Surfin’ Bird”.

12. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

13. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

14. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture’s over when the bottle’s done.

15. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

16. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he’s named “Boogers McGee” and is your “mascot”. Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, “What’ll be, McGee?”

17. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

18. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, “The Professor can’t hear you, you’ll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy”.

19. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to “sit back and groove”.

20. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

21. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute “commercial breaks” every ten minutes.

22. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?”

23. Growl constantly and address students as “matey”.

24. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

25. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

26. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

27. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, “Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?”

28. Inform your English class that they need to know FORTRAN and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

29. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, “Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN’T HEEEEEEAR YOU!”

30. Mention in passing that you’re wearing rubber underwear.

31. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

32. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering “tsk, tsk”.

33. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student’s name, rank, and serial number.

34. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

35. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

36. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about “that bug I picked up in the field”.

37. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

38. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

39. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown’s “Sex Machine.”

40. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

41. Tell students that you’ll fail them if they cheat on exams or “fake the funk”.

42. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you’ve named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don’t use it.

43. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

44. Use a graduate student to bang cymbals every time your name is mentioned.

45. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

46. Wear a “virtual reality” helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

47. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you “Snuggles”.

48. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

49. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

50. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

Source: FunBlog